Jamming at the dam

I really don't know why we do these things, but this weekend, husband-dear, a friend of husband-dear's, and myself participated in something called an "Adventure Race". It sounds like fun, until you see the subtitle of this particular race, "An Xtreme Sports Challenge!", and you realize you may have just bitten off more than you can chew.

Now all of this can really be blamed on my desire to always be the best at everything, and extraordinary ability to really not think things through. You see, once I discover there is something out there that I haven't done (like, oh, an adventure race), some little voice in my head starts saying things like, "You can so do that, you know you can. What's holding you back? Are you a wimp or something?". And so when husband-dear and his friend needed a female teammate to enter the coed division, and asked me, I said yes, and then asked what it was. At that point, all they knew was that it entailed running, biking, and canoeing.

So it was going to be a piece of cake.

Wrong.
As last week progressed, we received more and more details about what the race actually entailed, and subsequently, I really started to consider what I had gotten myself into now. You see, an adventure is not simply an off-road triathlon. Those are called Xterras, and they seem positively cute compared to this. One of the main differences is that adventure race organizers will never tell you exactly what the race will entail. They will simply give you helpful hints, like "You will get wet", and "Someone will have to swim, or maybe not", and "You will need a steady hand"

When we arrived at the race site, yesterday, the organizers finally revealed the entire race to us. They explained that when they designed the race, they had kept in mind that the park where the race was held used to be owned by Native Americans, and so tried to come up with events that Native Americans would have done too.

I don't believe it.

The race is held right near a college town, and so here's how I think the race was designed.

SCENE - INT - dimly lit apartment filled with second-hand furniture, piles of books and dirty clothes. The apartment is thick with smoke, and the dining room table is covered in bottles of beer and other alcoholic beverages. Two male and one female college student sit around the table. (Let's call them John, Harry, and Sam)

JOHN: Dude, we should so put on a triathlon or something.
HARRY: Triathlons are, like, so lame. Everyone's putting them on, or doing them. Man, my sixty-year old grandma did a triathlon the other day. Seriously. Geriatric sport.
SAM: Well, why don't we make it a lot rougher? Off-road and sh**?
JOHN: Yeah! Like all muddy and dirty and nasty!
HARRY: You're such a moron John, seriously. Anyway, those are called Xterras, and everyone and their dog does those. Like overweight fifty-year old mountainbikers with big, fat bellies.
SAM: Alright, Mr. I'm so drunk I'm mad, how about we make it harder than both those things combined? Present it like an off-road tri, but then make it like super challenging.
JOHN: Yeah, and weird! Like, like, they have to navigate part of the way themselves!
SAM: Yeah! And we can have them do a run through the woods, and not tell them how long it is, and then make them do a super long obstacle course with those balancing beams and things you crawl under like in the army!
HARRY: Alright, that's cool. I like it...but it will still be like a tri then, with a swim, a run, a bike, and an obstacle course. It needs to be like totally more far out
JOHN: OK, OK, how about..how about..
SAM: Canoeing! Yeah!
JOHN: Yeah! I hate canoeing....you get hot, sunburned, and it always takes forever. Awesome!
HARRY: Yeah, that's it. Although anyone can canoe guys. I mean, if John here has done it...
SAM: Alright, how about we have them canoe to an island in the middle of the lake, then CARRY their canoe across the island, and then have to do some sort of challenge there!
HARRY: Oh yeah, I like it. We could have them build a campfire from scratch...
SAM: Nah, they would set the island on fire. How about archery?
JOHN: Yeah! Archery rocks, dude.
HARRY: Oh that's awesome. And how about we determine the length of the next leg of their canoeing based on the points they got during the archery?
SAM and JOHN: Awesome!
SAM: You know what we could do? Didn't that park used to belong to some Native American tribe? Why don't we present it as some sort of Native American challenge - we have them canoe, shoot a bow and arrow, canoe some more..
JOHN: Yeah, and we could have them build a tipi!
HARRY: A tipi? You're so weird, dude, that's not a sport.
SAM: It is if we have them run to different places in the woods to get the equipment, then build the tipi, and then go a gruelling run!
HARRY: OK, OK, I can see that. And how about some land navigation?
SAM: Yeah, we could do that before the canoe.
JOHN: Oh, I got it! We have one person swim some course in the lake, and they can't stop until their team mates have come back with some sort of proof that they made it to three separate points in the woods.
HARRY: Awesome idea!
SAM: OK, so what do we have?
HARRY: Let's start with the tipi building, then the run, the obstacle course, mountainbiking, then the swim slash land nav part, then the canoeing, the archery, the portage. More canoeing...and then....ooh yeah, then we make them think they're done, and they can just ride the fire trail to the finish, but instead we'll add in that super technical four mile loop!
SAM: Hacky yack?
HARRY: Yeah
SAM and JOHN: Awesome!
HARRY: OK, now all we need is a name.
SAM: Well, we need to draw in a large crowd, so something cool.
JOHN: How about "The Trail of Tears"?
HARRY: What?!
JOHN: Well, it refers to Native Americans, and these participants will end up in tears, you know
HARRY: No, no, no, no
SAM: How about something like all those rock and roll series? Like the rock and roll marathon series? The rock and roll triathlons?
HARRY: Oooh..I got something that will draw in both the young fast crowd, and the older, but wealthier crowd that wants to seem hip: The Jam at the Dam
ALL: Yeeeah...awesome

And that is how the Adventure Race really came about. And although it took us 3:30, we made it to the finish line, and came in second, thankyouverymuch. I will be posting more about the actual race (including, hopefully, pictures), later. For now, my arms need a break, as they're still sore from the biking/canoeing/swimming I did on Saturday.