Fifty ways to..

...no, not leave your lover, but drive your professor crazy when grading your paper.

It's midterms once again (do I sound really old when I say that the spring midterms feel like only yesterday?), which means it's time for oodles and oodles of written-three-am-before-the-paper-was-due creations.

OK, I exaggerate. Not oodles and oodles, but a fair sprinkling. A resounding amount. Maybe about half. Depending on the class. Either way, it's not pretty. Or enjoyable.

But Dr. D, I hear you say, you've been doing this for so long now, why aren't you used to this by now? Honestly, I don't know. I had high hopes for this year's sophomores, who have access to a state-of-the-art writing lab, three writing specialists, and more online assistance than you can imagine, but even that isn't it. I think it's years of correcting the same mistakes over. And over. And over. And over. Especially after you've told your students not to do that again. And again. And again. Some of these mistakes have just started to feel like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I'll share some with you, and you can let me know if you feel the same way, or if it truly is time for me to start doing something else.

Grievous Mistake (GM) #1: "Being that..."
OK, people, "Being that" is not correct English. I'm not even sure if it's English. I do know that it's an incredibly roundabout way of saying that something is, and that it gets on my nerves. "Being that the media industry became more..." hurts me. Almost personally. Stop doing that. Something is, or it isn't. We don't need to talk its existence anymore than that. Thank you.

GM #2: "Dictionary dot com defines * insert concept here* as..."
People. Let me say this One. More. Time. (and I'll leave the blatant disregard for APA rules of citation aside). You are in college. You are striving to receive a bachelor's degree. You spend countless hours in class. Learning about concepts. You read lots and lots of books. About these concepts. Yes, that's what you do. So why on God's green earth would you rely on dictionary dot com? Really, why? Please, tell me, because I see it so often, I fear I must be missing out on some enormously all-encompassing fountain of knowledge.

GM #3: "u"
Instead of "you". Look, I know my students spend more time text/tweeting than anything else during any given day, and that "u" has become a staple in their vocabulary. But, at the same time, last time I checked "u" was not recognized by any spellcheck. So when I find a "u" in someone's paper, I know they could not be bothered to run their spellchecker. And somehow, that makes me feel a whole lot less bothered about giving them a low grade. Just saying.

GM #4: Any sort of "their", "they're", and "there" confusion.
I know this one is a tough one. It seems so easy, "there" is location, "they're" is short for "they are" and "their" is possessive, but apparently, entire populations are confused by these three simple words. I'm not sure why, but it is. At the same time, any quick reading will catch mistakes like these. And again, whenever someone does not have the time for a quick read through...well, do I need to say anything more?

GM #5: "I guess"
I've started to see this one more often recently, and I'm not sure why it's on the rise. I realize my students are not in this to become doctor or nuclear physicists, or some other job whereby guessing can mean the difference between life as we know it and the end of the world, but really, you guess? Although I'll be the first to acknowledge that there is no truth, positivism is a farce, everything is relative, and yada yada yada, I can't say that seeing valley girl speak like "I guess" makes me feel very academic. If someone asks you if you want to come to the mall, I could see how an "I guess" might work. Or perhaps if your roommate asks you if you like Chinese food. Sure. But in an academic paper, an "I guess" signifies to me that you really don't know what you're talking about. And in that case, I'm really not sure I want to keep on reading.

Of course, I do. I always read my students' papers. And I write very constructive criticisms in the sections where they struggled. Because, secretly, I like my students, and I want them to do better. Just don't tell them I said that.