Southern life lessons

As I was pondering the lists I could make about 2009, or the past decade, I realized that there is way too much for me to write about. There are so many things I learned (how to make cornbread, how to get grass stains out of boys' pants, how to drive a tractor, how to talk to the CO's wife), so many things I did (Skydive! Get married! Move! (about five times) Bushhog a field!!), and so many things I would rather not be reminded of (you really think I'm going to put a list here?), that there was really not one clear topic to write about. Hence, I ditched that idea. Instead, as I was unblocking our toilet, or doing something other completely unrelated to this blog, I realized that it was high time for a list of things I learned from the South. I've been here for over two and a half years now, and before I become completely immersed in the local culture, I figured it was the right time to step outside of myself one last time, and consider what the Southern culture has contributed to my life.

1. There are never enough "thank you's", "please's" and "sorry's" in any given sentence. More can always be fitted in, trust me. Even when you're rip-roaring mad, and ready to set something on fire, you can squeeze one of these in there. For instance, "Look, I'm sorry, but that is just ridiculous!" See? Or how about; "Stop that, please, or I will ground you for a week, is that clear?" Notice the please. It looks nice, doesn't it? Even though it is immediately followed by a threat, it softens up the sentence, and throws a little southern gentleness in there.

2. There is no need to memorize people's names. In fact, there is one simple rule to talking to people: Anyone older than you is "ma'am" or "sir", and anyone younger than you can be referred to as "honey", "sweetie", or the more traditional "darling".

3. Tea is always cold and served either sweet or unsweet. If you want your tea hot, or with milk, or god forbid, made with something other than black tea, you will need to ask for it specifically. And you better do so nicely.

4. The period between 1861 and 1865 was not the civil war, it was the war between the states, thank you very much. The why is obvious to any southerner, of course. First, it was a war between states, and second, there was really nothing civil about it. And there is really little concern for where the actual division occured, anyone not from Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, or South Carolina is not really a southerner. No matter how often they say "y'all".

5. Cockroaches are a way of life, so you better get used to them. They were there before you were born, and they will be there long after you die. And, oh yeah, they're called Palmetto bugs down here, which somehow is supposed to make their presence less revolting. (and just for the record, that does not work for me)

6. Driving is really something you do while doing other things. Southern driving entails calling your friends, texting them, checking your email, combing your hair, reapplying your make up, or going through some paperwork for an upcoming meeting, all while driving. Cops are few and far between, so unless you do truly screw up, by, say, running into someone, or speeding just as you're passing a trooper on his lunch break, you will, on the whole, do just fine. On the other hand, if it rains, or is foggy, or if the weather is anything other than bright and sunny, all southern drivers go into survivor mode, which entails doing 45mph on the interstate, driving with your hazard lights on, ignoring the lines between lanes on the highway, and swerving around large puddles and / or potholes.

7. Potatoes are considered an acceptable breakfast food. As is bacon, grits, pancakes and ice cream, eggs, and biscuits with gravy. Cereals are really considered more of a snack before bedtime than anything else.

8. The heat isn't what's going to kill you down here, the sudden cold snaps, on the other hand, are. Any true southerner will revel at the idea of 100F all throughout the summer, but mention "below freezing" to them, and they will think the world is coming to and end.

9. There is one religion, and one religion only. You will like it, or you will leave.

10. And finally, y'all is singular. Y'alls is plural.