A letter to Freshmen parents

Dear Freshman Mom and Dad,

Congratulations! Your son/daughter has successfully enrolled in college, and is about to embark on the greatest journey of his or her life so far. You have probably inundated your offspring with advice on just about everything, from parties, to eating well, to doing laundry on time, to taking care of yourself, and oh yes, remembering to study. However, I would like to ask you if, next time you talk to your darling child, you could give them the following pieces of advice as well:

1. Bring a writing utensil and a notebook to class. A laptop is OK too. Tell them that although their phone, purse, umbrella, bag with personal styling products/gym bag/tote with dirty laundry are obviously imperative to their college success, so is the ability to take notes.

2. The ability to purchase textbooks definitely outweighs the importance of a data package on their phone. Additionally, if you could let them know that their professors will have little sympathy for your child if he or she claims they cannot afford the required reading material while playing with said iPhone/ Droid/any other type of 3G phone, that would be really great.

3. Know how to tell time and read a calendar. Explain to them that 12 noon is not the same 12:01pm, and definitely not the same as 2pm and a "I forgot the time". You may want to purchase a planner for them, and encourage them to write deadlines down, lest they forget.

4. Complaining /whining/ groaning/ rolling one's eyes when receiving the syllabus is an absolute no-no. Make sure they realize that college entails work. A lot of it. More than in high school in fact. Please have them understand that in order to obtain a degree of higher learning, they will need to demonstrate that they can in fact learn more. Explain that the only way to ensure this is by having them complete various assignments. You might also want to touch on the notion of "alienating one's professor and success in course"

5. Joining a sorority or fraternity is not an accomplishment. They should not expect leniency from their professors regarding deadlines or assignments because "it's rush" or "Greek week" or "pledge night". Instead, please encourage them to volunteer on campus and acquire positions in organizations that will further their future career.

And finally, please tell them that complaining to you and asking you to call the university will yield absolutely no results. And not because we're cold-hearted meanies who don't have time to talk to you (although this might be true in some cases), but because of some pesky little law known as the Buckley Amendment, which states that once your child is an adult, you are no longer automatically entitled to know everything about them. So even if we wanted to talk to you, we can't.

Now that we've been able to share these helpful guidelines with you, allow me to wish you and your child a wonderful freshman year!

Yours sincerely,

Dr. D.