Sapphires and fires

"tsapphire, tsapphire, an I can poot it ow-d"

My brother likes discovering new artists. When he finds someone he really likes, he usually sends me a copy of their CD for Christmas or my birthday. Besides being grateful for any gift (you know, horse, mouth, and all that), I generally really do appreciate this, as it keeps me informed of what's "hot" in Holland, gives me something besides NPR to listen to on my way to work, and, at times, helps me find artists I, or husband-dear, really like. The only down side I can think of is that whenever he sends me a CD I absolutely love, I can't download the music on my IPod, because the Dutch music industry is so completely neurotically obsessed with the prevention of illegal downloads that every Dutch CD has some sort of technological doohicky on it that doesn't allow you to copy its contents to your computer. Not very helpful when you live overseas, where you can't access Dutch Itunes, and your American Itunes has no idea who "Trijntje Oosterhuis" or "Acda en de Munnink" are.

Anyway, this past Christmas, he sent me a CD by a Dutch artist. Who sings in English. I can't recall her name right now, but it was something obviously made up, like Lois Lane, or Lane Kim, or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. And immediately, I knew. This is someone from a tiny little town somewhere in Holland, who's always dreamed of becoming a famous American performer. And who wants nothing more than to sound like an American singer. But who, in reality, well, just doesn't.

And in case you think I'm being really snooty right now - the quote at the top of my blog? That's her. I spend half an hour this morning wondering what the heck she was singing about (sapphires? pain? a woman named Ann?), when I finally realized she's trying to say, "It's a fire, it's a fire, and I can't put it out".

You're welcome.

It went on like this throughout every song on the CD. Every gerund (wanting, waiting, loving, pouring), lost its "g", which, unless you want to sound like Carrie Underwood or Martina McBride (not the sound she was going for, trust me), is just odd. She didn't seem to care much for "t's" either, as these disappeared off the ends of words as well. "You" was consistently turned into "ya", which might work in hip hop, but not in the soul-blues sound she was aiming for, while her "can'ts" sounded more like "cans", and her "and's" sounded like "Anns".

Now I realize that Americans like to drawl and slur their words together. They do. I do. But the slurring is a lot more elusive than you might think. We don't just randomly slur stuff together, there is actually something method to the madness. Our "can't", no matter how country you are, definitely sounds different from our "can" (it's in the sound of the "a" mostly), while "you" is not always turned into "ya", and, no we don't always drop all our g's. Or t's. Granted, "What do you want for dinner", might sound more like "whatchawan' for dinner", but when we sing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, we don't end every sentence with "ya" instead of "you".

I am also well aware that poking fun at someone because of their accent is not cool. And, even though it might seem that way, it's not what I'm trying to do. Honestly. When I speak German, I have the worst Dutch accent, when I speak French, people think I'm Flemish, while, for some very odd reason, I sound really American when I attempt to speak Spanish. And I don't like it when people poke fun at me either, thank you very much. So, non-native speakers, I'm not bashing you. Really. In fact, I admire your ability to speak multiple languages, as most Americans don't get much beyond "tres enchiladas, por favor".

What I am saying is that if you want to sound like a native, you can't fake it, and you need to either do it right or leave it alone. It's like trying to sound southern when you're not. It sounds affected and unnatural. And very strange to native speakers.

So, shoutout to all Dutch performers: take voice lessons. From a native speaker. And stop dropping your freaking consonants.

Jus' Sayin'