Congratulations...

With your sister's cousin's birthday!

The Dutch have a wide variety of odd quirks. From eating salty licorice, to loving nothing better than raw herring, to the inability to keep one's opinion to oneself, to the complete lack of shame or embarrassment when telling someone "we can't do that"; the list just goes on and on. But these are what I would like to call "manifest" quirks. Manifest as in, quirks that anyone who spends a decent amount of time in that little low lying nation in Western Europe, or among the natives of that little country, will eventually pick up on. The "latent" quirks are the ones that are harder to nice. These are those funky little habits that you really only notice if you're married to one of them Dutch folk, or you, like me, teach a class on culture and the media, and are faced with a class full of students from a completely different culture than your own. One of these odd, culturally determined behaviors, is the Dutch ritual surrounding birthday wishes.

Here in the US, if it's someone's birthday and if you remember, you might call out a "happy birthday!", and there's happiness all around. Seriously, unless I've been walking around completely oblivious, that's really all it takes over here. Now in the Netherlands, birthday wishing is taken a whole lot more seriously. Very seriously. It's such a detail-oriented business, in fact, that I'm surprised no one has ever taken the time to write a handy little manual for foreigners considering a move to the Netherlands. In lieu of that gap, I thus present you: DixieChick's rules to a happy Dutch birthday!

First of all, there is no "if you remember" in the Dutch world of birthdays. The fact that those cute "It was your birthday and I forgot!" cards that do so well over here, are few and far between in the country-half-under-the-sea should be a giveaway. Forgetting someone's birthday is simply not an option among the Dutch, and doing so will result in a level of social pariah-ship one will not soon forget (although exceptions are made for uninformed foreigners. Once).  Fortunately, all Dutch homes are outfitted with a birthday calendar (a perennial calendar meant only to record people's birthdays and anniversaries), that is hung in a central location (the downstairs half bath), so no one will ever forget anyone's birthday. And let's say you don't particularly care for the whole "you must remember everyone's birthday and send them a card" ritual, and thus refuse to purchase a birthday calendar, your Dutch family will buy one for you, and present it to you, how appropriate, on your birthday. If you then proceed to not hang it in a place where everyone is able to double-check that they made it on the calendar, you will be reminded of that social gaffe every time you have Dutch company over. Trust me, it's true.

Second, there is a entire collection of social rules and codes about how to go about wishing someone a happy birthday. The correct terminology to use is "gefeliciteerd", which roughly translates to "congratulations". While in the US, "congratulations" is only used for a very impressive personal achievement, and birthdays are not viewed as such, the Dutch heartily disagree. And so every year, husband-dear manages to ask me, "So what am I congratulating you with? The fact that you managed to make it one more year? Good job, honey!"
But we're not done. If you know someone well (and how well is, unfortunately, never specified), you must give them the mandatory three "air" kisses (left cheek-right cheek-left cheek - don't mess up, or you'll be left in a really awkward situation). Funnily, although I know several Dutch people who hate this habit so much, they refuse to tell people the date of their birthday, this habit is paramount to a proper execution of a Dutch birthday wishing ritual. But, as husband-dear will confirm, you can figure this one out rather quickly. Or, in case you're completely lost, just let the other party make the first move, and follow along (although again, do note that anything other than a kiss on the cheek is really not acceptable).
The one thing about birthday wishes that still throws poor husband-dear, and most Americans I know, is the requirement to also bestow your heartfelt congratulations on the birthday boy/girl's parents, significant other, children, and other close relatives. So imagine your typical Dutch birthday party. Everyone is sitting in a circle, and you walk in. You first kiss the birthday boy/girl, and wish her/him "Gefeliciteerd!", then you move on to their partner, kiss them too (well, except if it's her husband, and you're a guy, as that's still a no-no in ever-tolerant Holland), and congratulate them with their partner's birthday. Then you rinse and repeat for their parents, brothers, and sisters, and other assorted family members. Interestingly, if you are a family member of the birthday boy/girl, at one point in the family hierarchy, family members (usually those further removed from the birthday boy/girl than you are) will start congratulating you in return. Protocol dictates that you shouldn't sit down until you've congratulated/accepted congratulations from everyone in the circle, so you can imagine that at parties where people don't all arrive at once, most of the guests spend the  better part of the night standing up, then sitting down, then standing up, then sitting down, ad nauseam.

Third, leave your birthday cards at home. While Americans love their birthday cards, and some, like me, attach as much value to the card as they do to the present, Dutch people will only send cards if they cannot make it your birthday party. And in that case, let me just prepare you, the cards will be small (about the size of an index card), non-descript (they usually contain balloons, animals, or flowers), and will contain the briefest of messages ("Gefeliciteerd!"). There are no cards for husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, mothers, teachers, best friends, or neighbors, just like there no cards that sing, make music or allow you to record their voice, or cards that contain full-length poetry, declarations of love, double entendres, or funny statements about the age you've just attained. As the Dutch are not big on expressing their love for one another anyway (the three kisses-thing aside), it's no surprise that cards are just not a big deal.

Fourth, the same no-nonsense approach applies to the wrapping of your present. Most stores will giftwrap your presents for you, and that's what most people use. No need for giftbags, tissue paper, bows, glitters, ribbon, or any of the other accessories that Americans like to use to pimp their presents. If you went to the V&D and they put an orange and grey checkered paper around your gift, that will be perfectly acceptable.

So, to summarize, the main points of Dutch birthday celebrations: 1) Don't forget them; 2) Congratulate the birthday boy/girl and everyone on their family tree with three hearty but airy kisses (except if you're a guy); 3) No cards necessary, and 4) No fancy wrapping either. Oh, and 5) although my birthday is in less than two months, please note that as a bonafide Dutch-American, these rules no longer apply to me. Except #1.