Freaking serious

Somehow I and everyone else on campus has made it through the past sixteen weeks, and while we're still shaking our heads in surprise at making it out at the other end relatively unscathed as well as the sudden twenty degree spike in temperature, we also realized we need to strap in, place our table trays in the upright position, and brace ourselves for finals.

I need to be honest though, I don't know if word has finally gotten out that I kick butt and take names, but this semester, once again, the drama has been minimal. No one has lost their temper, only two students had a full-on, hiccuping, tears-and-snot breakdown in my office, and only one student forgot to show up for finals. It's great for my well-being, but not so great for my blog. Because what is there to write about when all is well in academe?

Fortunately, there are my online students. My spring online students are usually fresh-faced sophomores who somehow, in spite of the student handbook, their checksheets, and their advisors, forgot to take the mandatory COMM 2001 Intro to Mass Comm class in the fall. Fortunately, these students do quickly  realize that the only way to stay on track for graduation is to take the class online in the spring. The problem these students face is two-fold, a) they have never met me, and obviously have not heard about the "kicking butt and taking names"trope, and b) although I write lots of forceful explanations and guidelines ("You must turn in your work at 11:55pm EST. Anything turned in even one minute late will be rejected by the system. As you know all your deadlines in advance, I will accept only the most radical of emergencies as excuses"), they're just not as scary as having me blare it out in front of a full classroom.

So each year, this online class produces a hilarious collection of emails and online messages. For your reading pleasure, I selected my top three of "Snowflaky*" emails..

The second runner-up in this year's competition goes to the student who sent her final paper (worth  30% of her final grade) in a good twenty-four hours late. The excuse, as cited in the email, "I, for some reason thought that yesterday was only Wednesday and today was Thursday, and since your deadline said the Thursday, I thought it was due today. I didn't realize it was actually the Friday today until I tried to upload the paper and the system wouldn't let me."

Perhaps I'm too much of a curmudgeon here, but remembering the days of the week would seem to be one of those things vital to surviving life. But, you know, that's just me. And my standards are probably too high.

The first runner-up is a student who goodness-only-knows-professor! really, really tried his best. But the class was just so, very, very hard. And so I got about three emails from this contestant, all of which read something like this, "I want you to know I'm really trying, but it's just sooooo hard!!!! Is there something you can do about that because I really need to pass this class." When the person then did not pass the class (due to lack of turning in assignments), his final email read, "Well, I guess I just wont be taking any more classes with you."

Hm. Let's think about that. You failed the class, so guess what, you'll need to retake it. And guess who teaches this class all year round? Yes! Me! Oh, and also, who teaches the mandatory methods class? Yep, me again. And what about that mandatory philosophy class? Yes! It's me again! Sonnie, you might have a problem.

But the award, the first place trophy in most Snowflaky email goes to someone who also sent me the shortest email I received this semester. Someone was way back in the pack, but who caught up fast with the brilliant one-liner he sent me after I informed he had plagiarized on his final paper (and thus received a zero): "Are you FREAKING serious?"

Yes, dear, yes. I am.

So for all the peace and calm that symbolized this semester, I got a good laugh in at the end after all. 




*Snowflake: A student who has been told, and thus believe that s/he is completely unique, beautiful, and very, very special, but who, by token of the name is likely to melt when come under the least amount of heat.