Miss Manners

Imagine you have a plate in front of you with the following foods: steak, sweet potato and corn. You are seated at a regular table with your family. How do you eat your dinner?

Do you:

a) Put your fork into a small piece of the steak, and cut right behind your fork, then, while holding the knife, bring your fork to your mouth, or;
b) Put your fork in a medium-sized piece of the steak, cut in front of your fork, use your knife to hold the steak down while you pull your fork out, then put your fork in the piece you just cut, put the knife down, put your hand in your lap and then bring the fork to your mouth, or;
c) Saw the steak in quarters, put your fork down, put one of the pieces in your mouth and then bite off a smaller part while letting the bigger part drop on your plate from your mouth?

Do you

a) Use fork and knife to scoop up the corn on to your fork, bring the fork carefully to your mouth while holding the knife, or;
b) Put the knife down, it’s corn, not meat!, and use your fork to somehow miraculously scoop the little kernels onto the same fork, which you then bring to your mouth while your hand is in your lap, or;
c) Do you throw your utensils on the floor, and use your hands to scoop the corn somewhere near the vicinity of your mouth, and laugh when half falls on the floor?

Do you

a) Put your fork into your sweet potato, use your knife to cut the sweet potato into small pieces, and then use your fork to bring them to your mouth, while still holding the knife, or;
b) Put the knife down, turn your fork sideways, and use it to cut the soft sweet potato that way, or;
c) Do you use your fingers to scoop out the soft insides of the sweet potato?

If you have answered mostly A: Congratulations! You’ve had the same strict European upbringing as I have. You always use your knife, and always hold your fork in your left hand. When confronted with a situation where you’re not offered a knife you feel confused at first, and then almost naked as you try to navigate through your courses with one empty hand. You know that when eating soup, the spoon should move away from you, and you simply do not understand how people can actually get stuff on their fork without using a knife. Admittedly, you have tried, and merely find yourself chasing your food across your plate and back. When you were younger, your parents told you to keep your hands on the table, and scolded if you accidentally put an elbow on the table (“wil je er nog een turf bij?” (would you like another piece of peat) was common fare at my house). You probably correct yourself when you find yourself slouching at the table, and you experience a small case of hives when people put the knife on the wrong side of the plate when setting the table.

If you have answered mostly B: Congratulations! You’re probably an American, or someone who has been subject to American table manners for years. You may even be my darling husband. You don’t understand the burning need to hold a utensil when you’re not using it, and think putting an unused hand on the table is wrong; empty hands should go in your lap, everyone knows this. You believe in an efficient use of utensils; why use a knife and a fork to cut something when it can easily be cut using just your fork. You also don’t quite understand why Europeans are so hung up on the correct use and placement of utensils. As long as you’re not smacking your lips, eating with your mouth wide open, shoveling you food into your mouth, or chewing while you talk, there really should be no reason to complain. You could also explain to people in category A how you eat corn with just a fork.

If you've answered mostly C: Congratulations to all toddlers! You’re only two but you managed to get online and read this questionnaire, good job! Now go and play outside!