Midterms

Midterms are almost upon us, therefore frustrations are running high, among, well, pretty much everyone. So it's high time for one of Dixiechick's dreaded lists to guaranteed student success!

And today's it: Things a professor never wants to hear her students say (and what she’s really thinking):

1. I missed the test because my car broke down (yes, and dogs ate your homework), and I don’t have time to retake it right now because I have an appearance as Ms. Kappa Alpha Kappa (what?), but is it alright if I stop by tomorrow say at 3? (And you’re in college why?)

2.I really should have gotten an A on that paper (shoulda, coulda, woulda). You should know how hard I worked (you mean in the three hours before it was due). And you’re a hard professor (And that’s an excuse how?). Everyone says so! I mean, c’mon! I met all the requirements, and you said yourself I tried really hard! (Yes, and right now, I’m playing the world’s tiniest violin, just for you!)

3. OK, so have you heard the latest about Anthony and Renee? Apparently they were seen with half their clothes off during a study session by one of Renee’s roommates (Wow, I did not need to know all that). Oh yeah, and it was a study session for one of your classes (Great! Well, at least they're studying I guess). And you know Anthony is dating Claire, and she is scary. I can’t wait to see what happens when she finds out! (I guess I must have misread my application, and I now work at Dallas University)

4.So what’s your husband’s name? And your kids? How old are they? Is your husband nice to you? How did you two meet anyway? (How did I end up on 20 questions?)You look like a really cute couple. I bet your husband was really happy when he found you. He’s not that bad-looking himself actually! (Should I take our picture down from our desk?)

5. You don’t understand. If I get a C in your class, my mom will kill me (you're 21 and you pay for your ow tuition. Explain). Look, I’m only three lousy points away from a B. Why can’t you just give me those four extra points for good behavior or something? I mean, I was always nice to you in class, so pleeeaaase. (Can I have some cheese with that wine?). I mean, I really am not a C student.(Guess what, you are)

6. Why did I get a zero? You know I would never plagiarize on purpose (that really makes no difference, really). It was an accident, I promise, I didn’t know, and I always pay attention (Well, I mentioned it every other class, so you were asleep during only half of my classes then, lovely). Please don’t put me on probation, it will so ruin my scholarship (…)

7. Where is Dr so and so? Do you know where Mr. J is? Have you seen my roommate/the work study student in the lab/ the dean? (I am not a secretary!)

And the absolute, all-time no-no:

8. Look, I know it's not your office hours right now (no, it's ten minutes before my next class), but I really need to speak to you about that grade I got on that paper (Someone rescue me, please).