The quest for Mayberry

In one of his books, Bill Bryson travels across the entire lower 48 states looking for Amalgam, the ideal American town. Amalgam is, as the name suggests, a town that combines all the ideal characteristics of all the little towns he remembers from childhood movies and television shows. On his travels, he finds little bits and pieces of Amalgam here and there, half a main street, the perfect soda fountain, a town square, and lots and lots of friendly people, but he never succeeds in finding one town that has it all.

Lately, I have been feeling a lot like Bill Bryson. And that's not because I've suddenly grown a beard, or a desire to move to England (although now that I think of it, that does sound like an awesome assignment), but because I think I have finally discovered my problem with my current location. It's not the syruppy kindness of the natives, or the 500 churches, or even the total lack of culture, but it's the lack of Mayberry-ness.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Mayberry-ness, it's related to the fictional town of Mayberry from the the Andy Griffith Show . You see, besides having an incredibly catchy theme tune, it also takes place in the quaintest town American television has ever known. It is a lot like Bryson's Amalgam, complete with town square, baker, butcher, greengrocer's, harvest festivals, a cop everyone knows, and lots and lots of happy people.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize I want to live in Mayberry too. I don't need all the happy people, or even a cop everyone knows, but I would love to live somewhere that has an actual downtown. And stores. And a town square. And trees. And rolling hills. And festivals that don't necessarily involve God, the bible, or a local church. And most importantly, people who like living there, instead of seeing our town as a necessary stop on a successful military career.

But there is the problem. You see, for those of you not quite up to date on your air force history; the Air Force was founded in 1947, about 100 years after the founding of quaint towns such as Mayberry and Amalgam. Granted, the army air corps had been around for a few decades, but the real boost didn't take place until the 1950s and 1960s. So you won't find Air Force bases in quaint little towns that have been around for centuries. You will find them in places where there is lots and lots of room that is preferably as flat and as empty as possible. Places like, oh, where we live.

It doesn't help of course, that Georgia gets so hot that on days like today you sometimes feel like your face is going to melt off. What is the point of having a town square, or little stores, when walking outside makes you so uncomfortably warm you want to scream and cry, but you can't because you need all the energy you have to walk that 100 ft from the store to your car?

So my chances of finding a Mayberry in my current location are pretty much next to nothing. Nada. Zilch. Instead, I'm setting my sights on our next move. I'm already working on a personal dream sheet, which I will present to husband-dear when the time is right. At the moment, it includes anywhere in the heart of Ohio, her town, hers, anywhere in Europe, and Hawaii, just for the heck of it. Any other ideas?