An American success story: Naming your church

Americans are good at a lot of things: writing a constitution from scratch, developing one of the most influential economies in the world, producing the vast majority of global popular culture, and, unbeknownst to most: coming up with the most entertaining church names in the world.

Granted, few American churches match the splendor and majesty of major European landmark churches such as the Notre Dame, St. Peter's Cathedral, or Westminster Abbey, but as far as names go, American churches win hands down. I mean, imagine if the Notre Dame had been built in Georgia by a bunch of enthusiastic evangelicals. You know it would have been named something like "The Holy Church of Our Crucified Savior".

Of course, not all the church congregations in the United States are run by evangelicals and/or exhibit the type of creativity in naming their church that I'm talking about. In fact, after some exploratory field research in our little town (with thanks to my trusted roadbike) which is the proud host of over five hundred churches, I've come to the conclusion that there are several categories of church names.

First, there are the Catholics. Here in the south, we like to pretend they don't exist, but they. And our town has at least three Catholic churches that I know of. And like in Europe, there are really only three types of names: The saints, the holy hearts, and the our lady of the whatever. Very straightforward.

Second are the more conservative branches of protestanism. Before we got lost in a discussion about less and more conservative doctrine, please allow me to clarify that in this little study, conservative means "frozen chosen", while non-conservative refers to "the happy clappy". This category thus encompasses the Presbyterians, Methodists, Lutherans, Calvinists, and their only begrudgingly recognized cousins, the Episcopalians. This category tends to aim for the more conservative, or European, names as well, with an apparent preference for numbers (First Presbyterian, Second Methodist), or references to local landmarks (Lake Hope Methodist, Dawson (road) Lutheran).

Next we get to the baptists. And this is where the creativity starts to show. For although the more conservative baptists will utilize methods equivalent to those of their more frozen brethren (First Baptist, Central Baptist, Northside Baptist), the more modern offshoots like to evoke a whole array of imagery and symbolism when naming their churches. Take churches such as Green Acres Baptist, Hope International Baptist, or Joy Baptist, all names that make innocent bystanders think of beautiful rolling green pastures, happy people, and lots of other good things.

But the baptists have got absolutely nothing on my final category: the evangelicals. Now I'm sure that the churches I am about to name would throw a fit if they knew I am lumping them all together and calling them all evangelical to boot, but using the phrase "churches which believe in the presence of the holy spirit and celebrate this through the use of music and/or speaking in tongues and/or healing sessions" is just too cumbersome. So everyone please bear with me.

Anyway, these churches absolutely win the creativity prize. There are some churches who I think try to tease people into reading the bible by naming themselves after obscure old testament figures such "Rehoboth Church". I mean, when our kids first saw that church, they spent the next five miles trying to figure out how to pronounce it, and then trying to remember who on earth "REE-ho-both" or "ray-ho-BOTH" (opinions diverged on the exact pronounciation) was, and what he (or she, again, no consensus was reached) did to earn a church named after them.
And then there are those churches who try to make sure you know they are the one and only, like for real, such as the "The holy and sanctified church of Christ". This church, you see, isn't just holy. It's sanctified too. And apparently by Christ himself. Now if that isn't top endorsement, I don't know what is.
Another personal favorite are those churches who have really long names, such as "The church of the dove and the olive branch", or "The church of living water and the life", and who then add in, as a sort of subtitle "a church of Jesus Christ". I mean, not to get biblical here, but aren't all Christian churches "of Christ"? Isn't that the whole point of being Christian?
In cotrast to this almost painfully detailed descriptions, there are those churches which I think leave their names intentionally vague, such as "The Refuge Church" (is this a church for refugees? Or people who are seeking refuge? But from what? Their busy lives? The world and all its temptations? Churches with crazy names?), and "The Freedom Church" (freedom from what exactly? Freedom of speech? Press? Religion - although that one doesn't seem right).
Then of course we have churches that refer to important biblical locations, most of which prefer to call themselves "temple" or "chapel" as opposed to the far too plain "church". Take a church such as "The Temple of Zion", "The Mount of Olives" and, "The temple of the star at Bethlehem".
My absolutely favorite church name, however is a local church called "The Greater Word of Deliverance". There is no reference to "church" or "temple", just that. And note that it's not "The Great", no, it's the "Greater". With a capital "G". Greater than..well, we're not sure. But it's greater than something. Personally, I think it the congregation should just go the whole mile, and call their church "The Greatest Word of Deliverance", but I could see how that might be interpreted as boastful or proud.

Now although modern European churches have been trying to jazz up their names, with such inventive creations such as "Cornerstone Church" and "The Vine", you have to admit that these just don't live up to their American counterparts. I believe that based on this brief exploratory study, we can only come to one conclusion: America has done it again.