Christmas etiquette

Yesterday a friend of mine surprised me with a Christmas gift. It was really very nice - a big mason jar filled with all the ingredients to make a "chocolate chip raisin oatmeal cake". And it would have been absolutely guitlessly lovely if she had given this to me, say, in September. But it's Christmas. And that means that whenever someone outside my immediate family, i.e., someone I have not purchased a gift for, buys me a present, guilt sets in. Guilt as well as social agony in the form of a chilling realization that I still don't know anything about proper Christmas etiquette, and really don't know if by not having a gift in return I have now made myself something of a social pariah. In short, receiving an unexpected gift is really on a par with designing one's wedding guest list.

For those of you who are now wondering why, allow me to present you a brief glimpse into my mind. Here are some of the questions racing through my head: If they've thought of me, shouldn't I have thought of them too? So does that make me a bad friend? Should I now reciprocate their gift? Or is it tacky if I do it after they've already given me their gift, and it's obvious that I purchased theirs only after receiving my gift? What should I get her? And then should I get all my friends a gift, as some of them might be around when I give her my gift?

Why can't people here be more Dutch? More frugal, more practical (and feel free to add in less social/giving)? You know, Dutch friends don't give each other Christmas gifts. They might give each other Sinterklaas gifts, but only if they celebrate Sinterklaas together. So if you haven't planned a Sinterklaas celebration with someone, and have thus previously agreed on a budget, style of present, and who will give what to whom, you pretty much don't have to worry about receiving presents from any one other than your immediate family. And if someone does step outside the bell curve of normal social behavior and gives you a present, they are considered such an outlier, you are hence excused from any need for reciprocation.

Unfortunately, or perhaps I should be fair here, and say, fortunately, Americans are more giving than that. During the Christmas season, people do give presents, cookies, baked goods, and ornaments to close friends, as well as family members. The problem with this generous nature is that there really is no rhyme or reason to it. One year friend A might buy you something, and the next year they may not. You would think this lack of organization is liberating, and for the person giving the present it is. One year I gave two friends presents, and the next year, I didn't, and everyone was OK with that. But how you deal with reciprocating this love, I really don't know. Since it's not something you can really ask ("Hey thanks for the gift, that's awesome! What would you like in return?"), I've been stuck figuring this out on my own, and thus feeling guilty. A lot.

Apparently, however, I'm not the only suffering from Christmas guilt. I remember watching Oprah one time many, many years ago, when she had an etiquette expert on her show who recommended buying some neutral gifts and keeping these in a few places such as your car, your office, and your home, just in case someone shows up unexpectedly, bearing unexpected gifts. Leaving the idea aside that you purchase gifts just so you don't have to feel guilty could be considered a little less than sincere, I also obviously haven't thought of or had the time to purchase said gifts, and so my desk drawers, back seat, and kitchen cabinets are devoid of anything I could conjure up at a moment such as yesterday's. Maybe the expert was on to something.

Anyway, how do "regular" Americans deal with this? Are they just much better at receiving gifts than I am? Or do they all stock their home, cars, and offices with wrapped up gifts color-coded for "type of friend", just so you don't give the running cap to your 80-year old neighbor?

All I know is that I'd much rather be the giver. So take heed everyone - if you want to give me a present, you're best off doing outside the December 10-December 26 time frame, and if you must give me something within those time lines, a little caveat along the lines of "don't get me anything in return!" or "I really like Yankee Candle!" would be very helpful.

Thanks.