Sugarpie honeybunch

“My lovey-dovey baby..I used to be your tootsie-wootsie”
Medda ~ Newsies

Please answer the following questions.

When I walked into a gas station to use their ATM, who was the person who said; “Oh baby, I’m sorry, but it looks like the machine is out of order”. Was it:
a) My mother
b) The gas station attendant
c) My husband

When walking across campus with a co-worker, how did the Vice-President greet us?
a) Hello Dr. J…, How are you Mr. B….?
b) Hello Mr. B….., Hi honey!
c) Hello Dr. J....., Hey bud!

What does my husband say to me when I worry too much?
a) Oh honey, please don’t worry so much, it will be fine
b) Oh, you’re so cute when you worry, you’re like my own Mrs. Monk
c) Oh baby, please don’t worry so much, it will be fine

The correct answers? All b’s. Does that strike you as disturbing? Well, aside from the last one (I call my husband ‘sailor’, he calls me ‘Mrs. Monk’, what can I say, we’re just not into the saccharine-like nicknames), it sure does to me.

Here in the south we love to show you how much we love you. You are special, and we just want you to know that all the time! And besides, in addition to spreading the love, using the ubiquitous “honey” or “sweetie” is also a perfect way to hide the fact that we really can’t remember your name anymore.

I have to admit that I, too, tend to resort to the lovey-dovey trap once in a while. I try to steer away from calling students by anything but their given name, but everyone else is fair game. I call my kids “honey” or “sweetie”, even when they’re not. Don’t think it’s possible to do that? You obviously have not heard the fifty different ways in which a southern woman can inflect the word “honey”. Just keep this mind, when the stress is on the first syllable (HON-ey), you’re in trouble. I call friends honey, and I will even call other people’s children “sweetie” or “darling”.

I have noticed, however, that is some sort of unspoken barrier regarding whom you can address in such a lovable fashion. Apparently anyone who looks young enough to be in school can be called “honey”, regardless of their gender. Also, you are free to call your children “sweetie” regardless of their age. In addition, all women appear to be fair game too. However, I don’t think I have ever heard anyone call a man “sweetie”. The exception is of course a man’s wife, but that too appears to be limited to the newlyweds and the extremely ticked off ("SWEET-ie, you forgot the collared greens again?"). And you know what, I’m pretty sure that southern men wouldn’t stand being called “sweetie” by another person besides their mother or their wife either. Remember, these are those “real men” I talked about a few weeks ago, who shoot guns, ride pick up trucks and chew tobacco.

But I have to say that I do become slightly uncomfortable when a perfectly strange person, such as the gas station attendant calls me “baby”. Granted, the lady in question was old enough to be my mother, but see, even my mother has never ever called me “baby”. Now we can argue whether or not that was a mistake, but the bottom line is, when unknown women over seventy with nothing on but a smock and a pair of hotpants and who chew tobacco call me “baby”, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I think I merely smiled and said “thank you”, while slowly backing out of the grimy store.

However, when I’m addressed as “honey” or “baby” or “sweetie”, or anything other than my given name in a professional setting, that’s when discomfort turns into outright annoyance. Every time this has happened to me, however, I have been so flabbergasted that I was unable to say anything to the person in question. And what amazes me is that men are never called “honey” or even “dude”, no, it’s always the female. I’m not quite sure how I am going to solve this cultural dilemma either. You see, I am quite sure that if I were to address this issue people simply would not understand my point. After all, all other women seem to be OK with this. So instead of fixing this problem head-on, I have come up with a much more roundabout, and possibly, southern solution; every time someone calls me “honey”, “sweetie”, “babe”, or anything that does not sound professional, I am going to call them “honey” right back. And if that means calling our college President “babe”, then so be it. Right, Now where do I go and buy some guts?