10 things....

... you never thought you would say

Back when I was an angsty teenager and knew just about everything, or at least thought that I did, I remember listening to my parents, and all other adults, and thinking that I would do things completely differently. I would dress differently, I would have different hobbies, and I would never ever repeat some of the things they said to me. Well, I was right on two out of three counts. I do dress differently from my mother, although that can mainly be blamed on the fact that the 1980s really are over. I also don't have the same hobbies as my mother or father do; I don't play tennis, don' t play bridge, and shopping for clothes is not really my thing. But when it comes to never saying the things my parents used to say to me, well, I was very wrong. In fact, ever since I started moving to weird places in different countries, I have accrued a whole slew of unusual expressions, from the banal to the funny, to the downright weird. And for your merriment, and mine, here is my top ten. Feel free to add your own:


10. Hey! Hey! The air! Close the door!
No, we do not have a shortage of air in Georgia, air is just the term used to refer to air conditioning (and not "airco" as the Dutch like to call it). It's the most expensive utility bill here in the south, and so we're very frugal about it.


9. No, you may not bring logs / boxes/ dirty wet toys / chewed up plants into the house
What can I say? We own a dog. The dog loves to mess with just about everything. But it's really funny when you find yourself saying that to a little puppy at 5:30 in the morning, and your husband overhears you and has no clue who you're talking to, "What did the kids do now?"

8. Can you please sit on your hiney, put your knee down, sit up straight and not shovel your food into your mouth like a caveman?
My parents raised me as though it was still the 19th century. We had to sit up straight, hold our silverware right, chew with our mouth closed, take small bites, and goodness knows whatever else. I used to think it was a load of nonsense, really. Of course, several decades down the line, I'm very grateful for this Ms. Manners approach, and am now applying it to my own somewhat reluctant boys. We've nicknamed it "SAB" (socially acceptable behavior), and when we're out, and they're once again attempting a sword fight with their knives, or leaning their face almost into their plates, all we have to do is hiss "Sab!" and they get it. Never thought I would hiss, either.


7. If you do that one more time, I will take your allowance away
I used to hate it, but you know what? It works. Every time.


6. Why do you always have to drag the whole backyard into the house after you're done mowing/ pruning/ trimming/ playing with Zoe / having a waterballoon fight / messing around in the pool
In my mother's case, it was the soccer field, or the hockey field, or the tennis court. However, the exasperation with which I say it now has not changed. And you know what? She was right, cause gosh dangit, some days I feel as though all I do is sweep and mop, sweep and mop, only to find that one of my little darlings, and that includes husband-dear has managed to get more clay, sand, and dirt on our floor the moment I put the mop away.


5. Have you brushed your teeth / flossed/ combed your hair/ put clean socks on? Why not? Actually, never mind, just go do it. Now. Yes. Now. (usually followed by a variation of # 7)
Personal hygene and boys. I rest my case.


4. I've seen two roaches in our kitchen in the past week, but they're the big kind, so I don't think we have to call the pest guy
The word "pest guy" in the Netherlands always had me think of disgusting restaurants filled with mice and vermin and run-down tenements filled with homeless squatters and stray animals. I'm pretty sure that seeing just one cockroach put a feeler on our front stoop would have been enough to send me teetering on the brink of hysteria. Yet now, roaches are a fact of life; the big ones live around the house, and every once in a while, after I've had to kill a few that were a little too near the kitchen door, I'll get my knickers in a twist, and spray some Bengal around the back and front porch.

3. When you go to VBS, can you stop by the E-club and get pool passes? Yes, that's the one across from the NCO academy. I need to go TLF to drop something off for (insert random name) who is PCSing, and I will meet you at the BX at four.
Ah yes, military alphabet soup.


2. My next car simply has to have more cupholders, one of those stalks on the steering wheel that controls your radio, electronic seats, an armrest, and XM radio
I was the girl who drove the oldest car on the block, and did not care. I actually took pride in owning a beat up Suzuki without power steering, air conditioning, a radio, or proper seatbelts in the back. When we bought my current car, I got the simplest model, assuming I would be fine. Alas, commuting 180 miles almost every day made me change my mind on that one. My car is my home, and I am ready for an upgrade!


1. Y'all have a nice day now!
Yes, I say that. For real.