The golden mean

As it's Friday afternoon, and Spring break is only a few weeks away, I thought now would be a great time to talk about nudity. Specifically when what type of nudity is acceptable. You see, I've found that the south has standards that are vastly different from any other place I've lived. Surprisingly, these standards aren't all about modesty either. No, it seems to me that the south actually isn't entirely sure how it feels about skin.

On the one hand, southerners will put their girl toddlers in bikini tops (in spite of the fact that there's just not a whole lot to cover up there), and abhor the idea of wearing a skirt without hose. But on the other hand, some southerners seem perfectly fine with ten year old girls strutting their stuff in a bikini big enough for their pet guinneapig, while vying for the crown of the local pageant. In the same vein, dress suits hardly ever come with skirts above the knee, while it's also almost impossible to find denim shorts that don't make you look like a Daisy Duke wannabe. If you even talk about going to a sauna where bathing suits were not permitted, people start fainting left and right, but if you wear a shirt that reveals so much cleavage, it's a miracle your cups don't runneth over, no one seems to bat an eye.

It's interesting dilemma, and one that, as I noticed this morning, is perfectly captures by the microcosm that is the gym locker room. Even though this gym locker room is on base, we are in the prude south, and so the whole modesty versus nudity debate is an ever raging issue in the locker room as well. As far as this debate is concerned, the women in the locker room can probably be divided up into three groups.

First, there is the "I've got it and I'll flaunt it, dammit!" group, a surprisingly large category for such a deeply religious, conservative southern town. These are women who, when emerging from the shower, will whip their towels off, lay them on the benches, or over their locker door. They will them rummage through their locker, pull out a tub of lotion, sit down on the bench, and spend a good five minutes lathering themselves with said lotion. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about moisturizing, but there's just something slightly wrong with walking into a locker room and getting a full monty of a woman rubbing body lotion all over herself. I mean, people, certain genres of movies have been based on less, you know?


The second group falls on the other end of the modesty-nudity continuum, and I'll call them the "I've got it, but I'd sooner die than let you have a peek". These are women who purchase special little towel-dresses they can wear while getting ready. These garments are made up of a large towel that one wraps around oneself, but that has two straps that go over the shoulder, and that is fastened with a button near one's armpit. Basically, it means that the women wearing it can get completely dressed without ever revealing anything to anyone. I've also seen women wrap two large beachtowels around themselves while getting their underwear on, and others emerge completely dressed from the very tiny shower stalls. Although it's entirely their call, and completely inoffensive, it just look like a lot of work to me.

Finally, there is the slightly more modest group, which I'll call the "I've got it, and yes, I love it, but I'll cover it up anyway" group. Personally, I fall within this category. These are the people who won't hesitate to take their towel off after they shower, but who will put on underwear as soon as possible. People who, when putting on their bathing suit, take their jeans off first, and put their bathing suit on before taking their top off. I don't mind other people seeing my junk, so to speak, but I figure they may not share that emotion, so hey, I'll cut them a break.

Interestingly, this "Goldilocks "just right"" group is in the minority. And not just in the locker room, really everywhere in the south. You either flaunt it all, or cover everything up.There is no in between. I'm telling you, it's complicated.