Just don't do it

"I’m just a girl who cain’t say no”
Ado Annie ~ Oklahoma!

Saying no is a hard thing to do. Yes siree. And it’s not just me. It’s possibly thousands, if not millions of southern women (and men incidentally!) who just can’t say no, sometimes literally. Take our youngest son for instance. I love the little kid to death and think he’s so cute I could just hug him forever, but when I ask him if he wants a snack, and he says “I’m fine”, instead of “No, thank you.”, well, it makes my hair stand on end. We teach our kids to be honest yet polite, and this display of round-about-interaction makes both of us wonder, more so since we have no clue where he picked it up.

Now I hate to say this, but I am slowly beginning to get the feeling this inability to say no may be one of them dang southern habits. I mean, I never knew there were this many different ways of saying no. I used to joke with my mom that her “maybe” was “no” in five letters, and that when she said “I’ll think about it” you might as well pack up your plans, but here, that’s just the tip of the ice berg. There are a million and one ways to say no without saying no. Of course, there’s the commonplace “maybe”, but people will also say “I don’t know” as opposed to “no”. So when you call our department secretary to find out if there are any three ring binders left, she would rather say she does not know than give you a flat-out no. Sounding ill-informed is apparently more appreciated than not being able to help someone out. And when someone close to you asks for something, a certain inflection in the way you say “Oh HONey” can also indicate a “no”, while a “hmm” can have at least three meanings, depending on its pronunciation, one of which is “no”, and one of which is “I’m trying to be polite but I really couldn’t care less about you right now.” Then of course there is the ubiquitous subject-change. When a southerner changes the subject when asked a question, there is no need to ask the question again. They have heard you, they just don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying “no”. And finally, my all-time favorite: the uninterested “sure”. When I ask a student to do something, and they say “sure” in a long, drawn-out way, I know immediately that it will not happen. It’s simply another way of expressing disinterest, while sparing the other’s feelings.

Does this drive me crazy? Well, at first it did. I didn’t understand how people could not know if they had handed something in, how many printer cartridges they had left, or whether or not they had registered for a class. I would assume people would do things (based on a “sure”), and would then be surprised if they didn’t happen. But slowly I’ve gotten used to it. I’ve learned that when dealing with people from the south it’s better to, instead of saying “no” outright, address it in a more indirect fashion, such as; “That’s a great idea, but I really don’t know if it’s feasible..”. I’ve also learned that unless people give me an unequivocal “yes”, nothing is certain.

Now, the real reason for writing about the inability to say “no” was really not to digress into a long rant about southern behaviors. No, it wasn’t. It was to let you all know that because of my inability to say “no” from time to time, and my fervent desire to do the best, be the best, ad nauseam (see the blog I wrote about a week ago), I have managed to really royally paint myself into a corner. You see, we have been unable to find a professor to teach certain classes, and so now yours truly, instead of teaching the standard four classes this semester, will be educating students in six different subjects. It’s insane. It’s crazy. I should have said no. Or maybe. Or even made a very long “hmmmm” sound, but I didn’t. My desire to do right by my students won out, and so now I’m stuck with two extra classes. So say “no”! As often as you can! Practice it a lot, because before you know it, it’s too late….