Turn on the snark

Sometimes I really truly wonder how American academics do this. How they live this life of publish or perish, endless advisement, antiquated pay structures, 100-hour weeks, mandatory committee membership, and underprepared students? Seriously, people, how?

And on a side note, yes, I am making the very bold statement that the average American college student is -not- as well prepared for college as your average Dutch VWO graduate. After reading too many papers that start sentences with "being that", and eschew any form of proper citation, I am done being nice. There.

Anyway, about American academics. How do they live this life without completely and totally losing their mind? Are they all closeted alcoholics? Are they, like nuns married to their God (i.e., scholarly research)? Do they live on energy drinks and vitamin tablets? Do they secretly have an army of oompa-loompas doing all their work for them?

I mean, I'm all for hard work. You know, idle hands do the devil's work, early bird gets the worm, hard work never killed anyone, and all that good stuff, but this is just really getting out of hand.
We finally finished the self-study last week. Forty-one pages, 16,000 words, and three all-nighters, but it went out on Friday. Hallelujah. But guess what this week is? Indeed, it's advisement! Yay! Eighty students, eighty registration permits, five days, twelve lectures. And guess what next week is? International Education Week! And guess who serves on that committee? Yes, I do! And guess what the week after that is? Senior portfolio week! Ten portfolio and ten defenses to sit through! Yay! And the week after that? Senior finals! And hence lots of "OMG what do you mean I can't graduate?" drama! Woohoo! And the week after that? General finals? And the week after that? The week I will probably lose my mind. If I don't lose it in the next few days.

What makes all this worse is that as I'm suffering through this, is that I know others are going through this too. Again, there is nothing wrong with suffering, I was raised in a proper Catholic/Calvinist home, and so I know that the only way to get anywhere is through lots of suffering and guilt. And trust me, there is enough of that going around. Calvin himself would be proud of me. But I don't see anyone else writing snarky blog posts and walking around like zombies. Most of my fellow academics seem to adhere to the "Wear your bags like a badge of honor" code you learn when you get your degree.

So I wonder, do all academics feel like me, but just don't show it? (come to think of it, like me?) Do they all want to go home and spend time with their spouses/kids/pets too? Do they worry their spouses will take on concubines in their prolonged absence as well? That their kids will sign themselves up for adoption and that in spite of all their best efforts, their work still won't get published? And that if they don't publish, they won't get tenure, and all their hard work will have been for nothing?

But that's the south for you - even if they do, you will never know. These southern academics would rather lose tenure than admit that they too might feel a tad stressed. They're "Blessed", "Really inspired", or "Overwhelmed but feeling really good about it".

So here's my request to all you American academics, can we please have a bitching session? Please? Just a small one. Just once. Just to let it all out, realize we're not alone in this, and that we will be OK? I promise, you will feel better. And who knows, you might even get some research collaboration out of it too. But most of all, you'll feel like a new person. Seriously.