A pig with a 'tude

Finally! I have been dying for an opportunity to get at the computer so I can tell you all about what life down here is really like. I don't want to write some philosophical dribble about roundabouts or gratitude, I want to give you the down low about life at Gertie's house. Or Gertje's house, I guess, since that's what that crazy lady who feeds me every morning calls me.

Did I just say crazy? I most certainly did. These people are lovable I guess, but they sure are different.
First, the food. What is up with all this healthy food they eat all the time? Wild rice, fish, salad, salad, and more salad. I'm surprised these people survive. Don't they know a healthy diet consists of okra, sweet tea and lots of fried food? They're in the south for crying out loud! The worst part is, I think they're trying to make me one of them. They're trying to feed me all these disgusting vegetables all the time. What is up with that?! Cucumber, carrots, apple, lettuce...and you would think that if I ignored it once, they would pick up on it, but nooo...it took them forever! For months they tried, they would talk to me, cajole me, put those disgusting slices in between my dry food, and sometimes put it right up in my face...I mean, excuse me? They also kept talking about someone named Cali who would love cucumber. I don't know who this Cali is, but I'm guessing the reason I don't is cause she's so skinny, she's invisible. Honestly people, just because you're always chewing on something full of nutrients, and complain you're not eating healthy when you get fast food like once a month, doesn't mean I want to be a health freak too. Last week they finally picked up on it when they gave me a sweet potato. Now that's what I call a snack! Then they had the audacity to laugh at me and call me a southern pig! I am not a pig! I'm a pure-bred Abyssian thank you very much. Well, either way, at least they now shower me with sweet potato. I wonder when they're going to try collared greens..hhmm..

Oh yeah, and what about all that exercising? They come home from these exhaustingly long days, complain about how tired they are, and then make outrageous statements like "yeah, I think I'll just run six miles today". Six miles?! I wouldn't run that far if someone were chasing me. Sheesh. But they love it. They're always prancing around in sports clothes, buying new running shoes, stocking up on Gatorade, and bringing home trophies. That's what I call showing off. And the worst part is not hearing them talk about mileage and weights and whatnot, but the fact that they assume I like exercise too! They put a few upside flowerpots, a hay ball, and an edible log in my cage, and then would encourage me to jump and run. At first I resisted. Nobody makes Gertie run, or jump. But, well, hmm..I guess I have to admit that I do secretly like it. It's especially funny when they're just sitting around the kitchen table, and I suddenly start racing around and startle all of them...heehee. But don't you go telling them that!

What gets me the most, though, is that weird foreign language they speak sometimes. I'm not sure why, really. And it's not like they're any good at it. Sure, the crazy lady, you know, who calls me Gertje sometimes, she can rattle away, but the man is always asking her to repeat things, and says "what" like a million times. It sometimes drives me nuts! It's like, y'all, speak English already! But the crazy lady especially likes to talk to me in that weird raspy language. To be honest, I have no clue what she's saying. I've tried telling her too, but that has only backfired spectacularly, since everyone says idiotic things like "Oooh..listen to Gertie, she likes it when you talk to her like that". Oh my goodness. It's enough to drive any respectable guinnea pig up the wall.

But I guess I shouldn't complain too much. Yeah, they're definitely out there, but at least they seem to like me. My first family didn't want me after just a few days, and took me back to the pet store. The lady there said that because I was so much bigger than the others already, they weren't sure if they could sell me again, but that first family didn't care. But then this crazy bunch showed up. The crazy lady asked to hold me, and I was all like, yeah, yeah, you're going to see someone that's smaller and cuter, and put me back down. But she didn't, and when the store lady told her that I had already been returned once, she said "Then we're definitely taking this one". And that was the nicest thing ever. Yeah, they're an odd health-exercise-foreign-language family, but they're mine...you know?